


Shattered reflection

by Chibiness87



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buffy is not in a happy place yo, F/M, Introspection, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25823275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibiness87/pseuds/Chibiness87
Summary: It's not love
Relationships: Spike/Buffy Summers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Shattered reflection

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This angsty introspection piece was pounded out in about an hour of free flow writing, and just… yeah.

Shattered reflection by Chibiness87  
Rating: R  
Spoilers: 6.13 Dead Things  
Summary: It’s not love.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or recognisable dialogue belongs to me. It all belongs to people with more money and more lawyers than I ever hope to have. No infringement is intended.

* * *

“You’re still you. Just with a deep tropical cellular tan.”

It takes her a moment for the idea to sink in. The thought that there is nothing wrong with her. That he was wrong. That the words he spat at her in the alley, drenched in pain and hate and yet, even then, she could see the longing in his eyes when he stared at her, were wrong. _You came back **wrong**_. Like it was a reason, an excuse. Expect no, she’s been right from the start. And that means… well, right now fuck if she knows what that means, except it has to mean something, right?

She remembers fighting with him, except no, not fighting. Sparring. Dancing, he called it, that one time, and god, she hates that he was right about that, like he was right about so many other things. Tackling each other no holds barred, full out slamming each other into walls and gravestones and mattresses. Punches and kicks and volleys of words and spite. Anger and pain and passion so deep she doesn’t know where the line is any more, doesn’t know if there was ever a line to begin with.

Except there was one, once. One upon a time, when she was young and inexperienced and thought the world revolved around her.

 _What happens on Saturday?  
I kill you_.

Only… he hadn’t. Not to say that he couldn’t, because right then, in that moment, lying winded and stunned on the floor of the hallway with him looming over her and his fangs all but at her throat she knew she was dead. Again. Killed by a vampire who made his name killing Slayers, another notch in his bedpost. And it was only the timely intervention of an axe to the head from her mother that had spared her that day. So yes, once there had been a line. But it became blurred and murky and then a dot on the horizon, and then not even that, and now she’s so confused and muddled she doesn’t know what happened.

She’d been having fun, she realises suddenly. With him, amidst the blows and the barbs and yes, okay, the fucking, she has been having fun, and what does that make her, in the end, expect that which he accused her of being all this time. A Slayer. A creature of darkness, made to live in the shadows. Is it any wonder they’ve been doing… whatever it is they’ve been doing for the past days weeks months?

It’s not love. It can’t be love. You can’t love without a soul, and she should know, because since she’s come back she’s felt like there’s something missing, some deep hole inside her and maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with her after all. It’s not a component thing, it’s an essence. Maybe that’s what triggers Spike’s chip. (Maybe she is the monster in this relationship – not that it’s a relationship, because it can’t be that, not that- after all.)

Except… Except Tara says she’s fine. She’s still her, still Buffy, whoever the hell Buffy is, and so maybe it’s not that. Maybe it’s more. But how can it be more when she feels so empty? Empty and lost and hollow unless he’s there. Hitting and fucking and loving her. Because he does. She knows he does. Pretends he doesn’t, pretends he can’t and knows she’s hurting him, hurting them, but she can’t deal with that on top of everything else, can’t be another failure.

“Do you love him?” And she looks at her, looks at her without answering, because god, what can she say to that? And then Tara’s saying more, saying “It’s okay if you do,” like she needs… permission, almost, like she needs someone else to say it’s okay, to give her a clear slate on her own love life, like it’s a validation, and how fucked up is that, to need permission to love someone?

(The thing is, though, what if she does?)

Spike wants her, she can read it in every move he makes, staying and fighting with her and against her, but its more than that, more than a simple want. More than need, more than love, if she’s being completely honest with herself. Because she has known love. It has spun her around and spat her back out and has left her… left her. Her father and Angel and Riley have all taught her the most basic lesson there is; love means abandonment, means pain and suffering and so no, no she can’t love Spike, because if she loves Spike then it’s only a matter of time until he leaves, leaves her like all the others have left, and if he leaves she has no idea what of her will remain. Because if he leaves he’ll take what little of her is left with him, and she can’t give him that power over her. She can’t.

Spike looks at her like she’s everything, like she’s more than everything, like she’s his whole world, his whole reason for existing, and she has no idea, no clue how to live with that, when she doesn’t even know who she is half of the time. Any time she isn't with him, she feels herself drifting. He is her anchor, her centre of gravity, and she knows it isn't fair, knows she is treating him worse than anyone, because she can’t give it back. Can’t return what she gets from him, can’t give him the crumb that he is so desperate for. How can she, when she isn't even there?

Does she love him?

She doesn’t know. Except that’s a lie. A big lie, big on the biggest scale, like apocalypse big, except she’s gotten quite good at making those go away, and these… these feelings she has, they’re there. They’re always there, like he is always there, and god, how can she answer that?

Does she love him?

She doesn’t know if she knows how to do anything else, and that, that right there, may just be the crux of the matter.

* * *

End

Thoughts?


End file.
